< disclaimer > This entry is likely to ramble a fair bit - as I haven't really ordered my thoughts before I started writing, as I usually do. This entry may make oblique references to events which are only known to some or maybe even to no-one on my friends list or who reads this - feel free to comment going 'huh?' if you want an explanations. Anything said in this entry that can be construed as insulting or attacking is not intended to be viewed in such way and is mostly like the result of the poor phrasing that tends to happen to my use of the English language at times of extreme emotion, or tiredness or both as now. I also apologise if occasional phrases are not in English - again comment and I will attempt to clarify. Just sometimes, Gaelic is a much more expressive language than English and I sometimes find it easier to find the words in my own language than English...
I have a natural proclivity for complex relationships. Things are never simple with me, and to be honest while I often decry simple things as boring - occasionally it would help if things were on the level. Which is one of the central ironies of recent events.
The second night I was at Keele I met a girl called Mel. We were from roughly the same part of the country, but poles apart in worlds. But we got on really well. Unfortunately we drifted apart through course circumstances and other things but randomly kept running across each other around campus etc. People remarked there was a unique spark between us. Vix often remarked I seemed at my most happy when I was around her. Its true. It was a simple relationship. We liked each other, we made each other laugh, we could always make each other smile. At the end of my repeat second year we drifted apart again - no contact, until I found out recently she's married etc. Part of me is happy for her. Part of me stings. Coming so close (6 months) after finding out Kinza had had a son, it has shaken my world. It some ways the two were poles apart. I knew Kinza was getting married, I knew she wanted kids. I was the possible implication that she wasn't happy that got to me. Okay, now I know life is hectic for her and things aren't great but she is okay. Kinza and me, were always a complex couple. It was never simple. With me and Mel things were simple. There was always an air of what might have been. It never went away, even in that last embrace in the Hawthorns main car park. It was always there. That faded air. Fado.
I wonder sometimes what I did, or what I said that took me out of it. In reality I wanted closure, hence wanting contact with her. But now I have it, I'm not so sure it was what I wanted. I'm happy for her, and all. In reality I'm free now. Such entanglements are behind me and I should in reality turn to face the road and move on. In reality it's not about her its about me. The person I was when I arrived at Keele, could have had a relationship with her, but who I was by the end could not. Who I am now? Well maybe, but it is no longer an issue. There have been times when I've felt like I needed to slip back to who I was and forget what I became - but in reality both these movements are wrong. The only way out is through to quote the Alanis lyric stuck in my head.
In real terms the reason it sticks out is because even of friendships it was the least complicated between me and any woman. And that is the thing which in some ways I miss the most. Things get too complicated. Occasionally simple is beautiful. But I can't keep dwelling on it, I have to move on. I can't let dwelling on what might have been poison the now.
And the now is not at all bad. Life, while complicated and riven with problems that spring up, goes on. Academically this year is going fantastically well, and while emotionally its had its ups and downs I've been able to deal with them for the most part in a good way. Much better than two years ago.
It's just that this kick has come at the one time when I really didn't need it. When I needed to focus on getting things finalised, getting work sorted out and with the competition coming up next sunday, training and getting prepared for that. It's been an emotional weekend, but I've survived so far. I'm just not even sure why it stings as much as it does. I think it was because I never really knew why I messed up or what I did to mess up that brought things to where they were when we went our seperate ways. But atleast now there is some closure.